Blog
Helping people thrive.
What the Research Says About Creating Great Relationships
Time for a relationship audit, and here's how it's done:
First, line up (in your mind, or better still, on paper) all the positive things you and your partner do for each other on an average day. Positive things include gestures, tasks and jobs, comments, compliments, conversations, physical affection, thankyous… anything that nourishes, acknowledges, and expresses love and affection. Marriage and relationship therapists call these "positive strokes".
Speak Up to Create Relationships That Thrive
We all want to be liked. It feels awful when someone is displeased or angry with us, especially when it's our partner. But life is complex and differences will arise. We need to know how to speak up, and we need the confidence to do it even when we may earn the displeasure of our loved ones. Knowing how to speak up is crucial if we are to remain true to ourselves and to our relationships. It's also the only way to allow our relationships to grow and thrive: if we routinely protect them from differences (and the inevitable challenges that arise from them), then how can they grow resilient and strong?
Forget the Shouting… There Are Better Ways for Couples to Argue
I have a message for all couples, whether you're fans of Channel 9's reality show Married at First Sight, or not.
All couples need to understand that it's simply not true that arguments are always negative. It's how we do them that counts.
A disagreement, issue, or argument is a relationship BUILDING exercise, if conducted in a productive way. And I've seen time and time again how relationships get stronger when the people in them know how to discuss an issue, well.
It doesn't matter if you didn't watch the Married at First Sight episode, suffice to say it was a great demonstration of how easily a discussion can get into a negative spiral, but also how the issue that starts it all can so often be relatively trivial and benign.
Here's a few tips that the producers of the show may have been wise to pass on to our lovely Clare and Lachlan. As I said, the tips didn't come in episode 3… but I'll hold off until we see what they do with the remainder of the series. Meanwhile, for anyone wondering how to argue in a relationship building way, please start with these basic rules:
What Great Relationships and Carrying a Heavy Table Have in Common
Imagine you and your partner are helping each other move a heavy piece of furniture from one room to another. Imagine that it's really precious, a family heirloom perhaps. Neither of you want to see it bumped, dropped, or damaged.
Each of you take an end and start lifting. You navigate across the room, perhaps down some stairs or around a corner… and as you go, you automatically give each other feedback about what you need from the other in order to do the job well:
"Hang on! Back up a little… I need a bit more space around this corner."
"Slow down! Sorry, I'm losing my grip. Can we put it down for a second?"
"Yep, that's great, hold it up higher, like that."
Giving feedback like this makes sense, doesn't it?
It's logical that comments like this allow each of you to adjust what you're doing in order to help the other.
Unhappy in Your Relationship? It Might Not Be Your Partner's Fault.
Ever go through phases when life just isn't happening the way you want it to? Times when you're unhappy and discontented? If you're in a relationship it's easy during times like this to point the finger at your partner as the reason why you're just not right.
As a marriage therapist, couples work with me to fix all sorts of relationship problems, so I know more than anyone the many things partners can do together to create relationship happiness.
But what about the times when it's really our own "stuff" that's keeping us unhappy, rather than relationship "stuff" that we can work on and resolve together? We each need to be personally happy before we even stand a chance of creating a relationship that's happy.
Time Poor Couples Simply Must Get This Right
Keeping a relationship healthy over years and decades is hard, especially for couples who don't get much time to actually be together. It's a modern dilemma facing so many modern marriages, and relationships everywhere are buckling under the strain.
If this is you, you might find yourself pointing to your busy schedules to justify why your marriage or relationship isn't great. And to a certain degree, there's no doubt you're right:
Healthy relationships simply can't happen if the two people in them are too often apart.
Working FIFO? Five Strategies for Relationship Success
The FIFO lifestyle has its benefits, but when it comes to relationships, there's no doubt that the FIFO lifestyle brings with it a whole new degree of difficulty. As if keeping a relationship on track isn't difficult enough!
Pressing the "pause" button on a marriage or relationship every other week or two really stuffs up the momentum that other non FIFO couples take for granted. Add a child or two into the mix and things can get ridiculously challenging.
The #1 Most Critical Skill You Need for Relationship Success
You might be thinking it's great communication, but it's not. It's not about your background, education, relatives, values or life experiences either. It's not physical attraction. All these things matter, but not nearly as much as the most critical skill matters.
You won't read much about this critical skill, but you should. It's a skill that many partners in relationships don't have. Relationships can't be successful without it. The consequences are obvious in many of the couples I work with. It's a skill I've needed to develop in myself too, before I could ever have made my own relationship dreams come true with a marriage that's healthy and happy and truly thrives.
"Time-Out": How to Protect Your Relationship from Strong Emotions
Relationships are stressful at times and we all know what it feels like to "lose it" when our stress levels rise too high. Marriage therapists call this being "emotionally flooded".
Many couples make the mistake of continuing an interaction when one or both partners are emotionally flooded, which is a really bad idea. When emotionally flooded, we are not in our "rational" brain. We are very likely to say and do things that are harmful to our relationship health.
Use time-outs as a circuit breaker to halt an interaction when one or both of you have become emotionally flooded and are no longer in your "adult" (rational) brain.
1 in 5 People Are Highly Sensitive: What Does This Mean For Your Relationship?
Are you somebody (or in a relationship with somebody), who thinks about things really deeply, feels emotions intensely, and who becomes easily overwhelmed by noises, smells, sights, crowds, new places, being rushed, being judged, getting tired, becoming hungry… simply overwhelmed by life itself at times?
Maybe I’m describing you? Or maybe it’s your partner, child, relative, friend, neighbour, colleague or boss that comes to mind.
Self Care For The Highly Sensitive Person
Psychotherapist, researcher, and author Elaine Aron coined the term Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in the mid 90’s and her ongoing work in the field has been changing the lives of sensitive people (and those in relationships with them) ever since.
1 in 5 of us have the high sensitivity trait (you can do the quick self-test here): that’s 20% of all people who are uniquely different in very real ways from the other 80%. Research has identified similar findings within the animal world too.
HSP’s are unique: we’re different in good ways… and in ways that are potentially problematic.
How To Offer an Apology (That Actually Lands)
Apologies are one of the quiet power-tools of healthy relationships. When done well, they are a conduit to deep healing and connection. When done badly — hurried, distracted, insincere, or incomplete — they can at best have no significant meaning, and at worst, cause more damage, adding extra layers of resentment, disconnection, and relationship toxicity.
It's really important to apologise in a way that maximises the chances for it to be really heard, understood, and received with the goodwill that you are intending.
Resentment Is Heavy… It’s Time To Stop Lugging It Around
Sometimes when couples come to therapy, one or both of them brings along a big backpack.
I can tell it's heavy, because they're always drained from the effort of lugging it around. They often let out a private sigh as they put it down.
Sooner or later, they open that backpack up and start laying the contents out on the therapy room floor.
Sometimes they do this one item at a time, reaching in for the one thing they're looking for, and selecting it for public view.
Other times they empty that backpack with one big upside down shake out, and we all stand back as a huge pile cascades onto the floor.
It's not a real backpack, and the contents aren't real either.
How to (Really) Accept an Apology
No one likes being hurt. In healthy relationships it does and will happen occasionally.
When we've been hurt by our partner, all we really want is for him or her to understand and acknowledge what they've done, right? We hold out for the "I'm sorry", so that we can both move on.
When I work with couples it's an amazing feeling to be there in that moment when the apology one of them has been desperate for, finally comes. It's allowed me to see that the way an apology is received has a big impact on what happens next.
When you receive an apology from your loved one, how do you receive it?
Common Thinking Habits That Poison Relationships
Falling in love and being in relationships can at times do crazy things to the way people think. Rational, sensible people with rational, sensible thinking habits can get a little tangled up in thinking habits that aren't rational and sensible at all.
This is fine when the irrational thoughts are merely about how lucky we are that we've found the most attractive partner ever to walk the earth, or that we are clearly the first and only couple ever to be so happily in love.
It's not so fine when the initial loved up phase ends and the inevitable differences arise, bringing with them tough relationship challenges. Partners really do need rational, sensible thinking if they are going to navigate their way through normal relationship ups and downs successfully.
For partners wanting a great relationship that's healthy and strong, it's crucial to know what irrational thinking sounds like and to correct it when it does.
The Harsh Inner Critic. Ouch.
What is it?
It's an internal "voice" that delivers a running commentary on what we do and who we are, as we go about our daily life.
We might hear it when we embarrass ourselves, and we hear an internal voice saying: "You idiot. You are such a loser!" Or when we look in the mirror: "You're so fat! You're so unfit! You're so ugly!" Or when we see couples all around us and we haven't even found a partner: "You're alone because you're unlovable! No one will ever marry you!"
Why is it there?
Common Relationship Errors
I'm looking forward to working with a lot of couples this year. Some will be looking to make their already pretty good relationships even better.
But many will be looking to rescue their pretty bad relationships and turn relationship unhappiness and discontent around.
What can you do to build a successful relationship? And how can you avoid even getting to the place where seeing a marriage therapist starts sounding like a necessary idea?
Truly happy and successful relationships happen when partners stop making basic relationship errors, and start relating in healthy ways.
5 Steps to a Healthy Relationship Culture
One of the most frequent comments that I hear from couples in distress is "We've just grown apart".
And one of the most frequent questions they want answered is of course "Where did that connection go, and how do we get it back?"
Think of your relationship as having its own unique culture. What are the unique routines, rituals and habits that define the way you both live and love?
We can't connect if we are living in a relationship culture that disconnects us.
Your relationship may be feeling a little shaky right now. Or it may be totally great… and you want to keep it that way.
7 Rules for Turning an Argument into an Opportunity for Relationship Growth
All couples argue at times. You may as well learn to do it in a way that helps your relationship grow, rather than tear it apart. Relationships get stronger when the people in them know how to handle challenges (and the arguments that often follow) well.
These 7 relationship rules are a great place to start:
Rule #1: Don't attempt to address an issue until you're both ready.
Sounds obvious, but couples often make this mistake. Don't be ironing, cooking dinner, or performing other tasks. Don't be tired, sick, drunk, or hungry. Don't be distracted. If an issue is important enough to be "an issue", set a place and time where you are both able to focus on each other and truly concentrate on what's being said.
How to Hold Your Ground Without Damaging Your Relationship
If you're in a relationship you will have noticed that partners don't always see eye to eye. Knowing how to hold your ground without damaging your relationship is a really important skill for partners wanting a healthy relationship.
In past disagreements or stand offs, maybe you've tried being nice and keeping the peace. If you did this enough you possibly ended up discovering that you weren't true to yourself. Maybe then you tried pushing back and refusing to budge regardless of the consequences. This strategy won't have brought you both closer and it definitely won't work indefinitely.
"From the very first session I really liked your approach with us, because you were not biased and also you were so clear and direct.”
Craig, Maroochydore
“After completing Pamela's Couples Toolkit, everything has changed. We now know how to really listen, so we both feel confident discussing any issue (rather than avoid it as we would so often do before). We don't get stuck when things go off track - we now know how to repair quickly. No more cycles of fighting followed by silence - it's such a massive relief. Thanks so much Pamela.”
Ruby & Matt, Sunshine Coast
"Pamela is not only kind and compassionate, but a true professional with excellent skills that have brought me so many insights. I have the utmost respect for her honesty, integrity, and knowledge. She’s been a true blessing!”
Phoebe, Caloundra
