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The #1 Most Critical Skill You Need for Relationship Success
You might be thinking it's great communication, but it's not. It's not about your background, education, relatives, values or life experiences either. It's not physical attraction. All these things matter, but not nearly as much as the most critical skill matters.
You won't read much about this critical skill, but you should. It's a skill that many partners in relationships don't have. Relationships can't be successful without it. The consequences are obvious in many of the couples I work with. It's a skill I've needed to develop in myself too, before I could ever have made my own relationship dreams come true with a marriage that's healthy and happy and truly thrives.
"Time-Out": How to Protect Your Relationship from Strong Emotions
Relationships are stressful at times and we all know what it feels like to "lose it" when our stress levels rise too high. Marriage therapists call this being "emotionally flooded".
Many couples make the mistake of continuing an interaction when one or both partners are emotionally flooded, which is a really bad idea. When emotionally flooded, we are not in our "rational" brain. We are very likely to say and do things that are harmful to our relationship health.
Use time-outs as a circuit breaker to halt an interaction when one or both of you have become emotionally flooded and are no longer in your "adult" (rational) brain.
1 in 5 People Are Highly Sensitive: What Does This Mean For Your Relationship?
Are you somebody (or in a relationship with somebody), who thinks about things really deeply, feels emotions intensely, and who becomes easily overwhelmed by noises, smells, sights, crowds, new places, being rushed, being judged, getting tired, becoming hungry… simply overwhelmed by life itself at times?
Maybe I’m describing you? Or maybe it’s your partner, child, relative, friend, neighbour, colleague or boss that comes to mind.
Self Care For The Highly Sensitive Person
Psychotherapist, researcher, and author Elaine Aron coined the term Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in the mid 90’s and her ongoing work in the field has been changing the lives of sensitive people (and those in relationships with them) ever since.
1 in 5 of us have the high sensitivity trait (you can do the quick self-test here): that’s 20% of all people who are uniquely different in very real ways from the other 80%. Research has identified similar findings within the animal world too.
HSP’s are unique: we’re different in good ways… and in ways that are potentially problematic.
How To Offer an Apology (That Actually Lands)
Apologies are one of the quiet power-tools of healthy relationships. When done well, they are a conduit to deep healing and connection. When done badly — hurried, distracted, insincere, or incomplete — they can at best have no significant meaning, and at worst, become further fuel for resentment, disconnection, and relationship toxicity.
It's really important to apologise in a way that maximises the chances for it to be really heard, understood, and received with the goodwill that you are intending. Writing an apology can be a great way to achieve this. You can allow your recipient to read it alone, or you can read it aloud to him or her.
A written apology also prevents potential interruption by a recipient who might want to jump in and defend, rescue, or even belittle what you need to say. It allows the receiver valuable time to digest what's been said.
Resentment Is Heavy… It’s Time To Stop Lugging It Around
Sometimes when couples come to therapy, one or both of them brings along a big backpack.
I can tell it's heavy, because they're always drained from the effort of lugging it around. They often let out a private sigh as they put it down.
Sooner or later, they open that backpack up and start laying the contents out on the therapy room floor.
Sometimes they do this one item at a time, reaching in for the one thing they're looking for, and selecting it for public view.
Other times they empty that backpack with one big upside down shake out, and we all stand back as a huge pile cascades onto the floor.
It's not a real backpack, and the contents aren't real either.
How to (Really) Accept an Apology
No one likes being hurt. In healthy relationships it does and will happen occasionally.
When we've been hurt by our partner, all we really want is for him or her to understand and acknowledge what they've done, right? We hold out for the "I'm sorry", so that we can both move on.
When I work with couples it's an amazing feeling to be there in that moment when the apology one of them has been desperate for, finally comes. It's allowed me to see that the way an apology is received has a big impact on what happens next.
When you receive an apology from your loved one, how do you receive it?
Common Thinking Habits That Poison Relationships
Falling in love and being in relationships can at times do crazy things to the way people think. Rational, sensible people with rational, sensible thinking habits can get a little tangled up in thinking habits that aren't rational and sensible at all.
This is fine when the irrational thoughts are merely about how lucky we are that we've found the most attractive partner ever to walk the earth, or that we are clearly the first and only couple ever to be so happily in love.
It's not so fine when the initial loved up phase ends and the inevitable differences arise, bringing with them tough relationship challenges. Partners really do need rational, sensible thinking if they are going to navigate their way through normal relationship ups and downs successfully.
For partners wanting a great relationship that's healthy and strong, it's crucial to know what irrational thinking sounds like and to correct it when it does.
The Harsh Inner Critic. Ouch.
What is it?
It's an internal "voice" that delivers a running commentary on what we do and who we are, as we go about our daily life.
We might hear it when we embarrass ourselves, and we hear an internal voice saying: "You idiot. You are such a loser!" Or when we look in the mirror: "You're so fat! You're so unfit! You're so ugly!" Or when we see couples all around us and we haven't even found a partner: "You're alone because you're unlovable! No one will ever marry you!"
Why is it there?
Common Relationship Errors
I'm looking forward to working with a lot of couples this year. Some will be looking to make their already pretty good relationships even better.
But many will be looking to rescue their pretty bad relationships and turn relationship unhappiness and discontent around.
What can you do to build a successful relationship? And how can you avoid even getting to the place where seeing a marriage therapist starts sounding like a necessary idea?
Truly happy and successful relationships happen when partners stop making basic relationship errors, and start relating in healthy ways.
5 Steps to a Healthy Relationship Culture
One of the most frequent comments that I hear from couples in distress is "We've just grown apart".
And one of the most frequent questions they want answered is of course "Where did that connection go, and how do we get it back?"
Think of your relationship as having its own unique culture. What are the unique routines, rituals and habits that define the way you both live and love?
We can't connect if we are living in a relationship culture that disconnects us.
Your relationship may be feeling a little shaky right now. Or it may be totally great… and you want to keep it that way.
7 Rules for Turning an Argument into an Opportunity for Relationship Growth
All couples argue at times. You may as well learn to do it in a way that helps your relationship grow, rather than tear it apart. Relationships get stronger when the people in them know how to handle challenges (and the arguments that often follow) well.
These 7 relationship rules are a great place to start:
Rule #1: Don't attempt to address an issue until you're both ready.
Sounds obvious, but couples often make this mistake. Don't be ironing, cooking dinner, or performing other tasks. Don't be tired, sick, drunk, or hungry. Don't be distracted. If an issue is important enough to be "an issue", set a place and time where you are both able to focus on each other and truly concentrate on what's being said.
How to Hold Your Ground Without Damaging Your Relationship
If you're in a relationship you will have noticed that partners don't always see eye to eye. Knowing how to hold your ground without damaging your relationship is a really important skill for partners wanting a healthy relationship.
In past disagreements or stand offs, maybe you've tried being nice and keeping the peace. If you did this enough you possibly ended up discovering that you weren't true to yourself. Maybe then you tried pushing back and refusing to budge regardless of the consequences. This strategy won't have brought you both closer and it definitely won't work indefinitely.
7 Strategies for Reconnecting With Yourself
Life is a long journey. Everyone gets lost at various points along the way.
The problem with getting lost is that we don't realise we are lost because we've gone numb. We're still living and loving but we're doing it "asleep" from our own innate wisdom and soul.
Then one day we realise we're lost and we start trying to reconnect. It's frustrating if we can't find what we are looking for.
The following 7 strategies have made the process easier for many of the clients who have shared their journeys with me. Maybe they will help you find yourself too.
How to Be Angry AND Loving When You Argue
All couples argue. So we may as well learn how to do it well.
Many of the couples I see in practice don't know how to argue well. So it makes me wonder how the rest of you are doing it.
Is it only the couples who end up in a marriage therapist's office who make these mistakes? Or are lots of other couples also arguing badly… and suffering the relationship damage that results from it?
Here are 3 common mistakes that I see couples making when they argue:
Thinking and speaking in "all or nothing" terms
4 Strategies for Turning Destructive Arguments into Healthy Discussions
Having a healthy discussion rather than a destructive argument takes skill. All couples argue, but not all couples argue well. Here are some of the most common rookie errors that I see in my work with couples.
1. Don't be passive
Saying nothing may help in the short term, but it's not a long term strategy for partners who really want love that lasts, because it prevents true sharing of yourself with your partner and usually leads to built up resentment. Built up resentment then usually leads to sudden outbursts of emotion or to passive aggressive behaviours, or both.
Couples, Arguments, and the Blame Trap
Differences are a normal part of all relationships, as are the arguments that arise from them. So much so, that when I occasionally meet a couple who claim they "never ever disagree or argue", my marriage therapist radar starts blinking steadily. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and I'd wager a bet that what's really going on in such couples is committed, systemic, and unhealthy conflict avoidance (otherwise known as non-assertiveness) by one or both parties.
For the rest of us in marriages or relationships, it's normal to expect conflict. But here the differences arise. What may be an occasional and relatively unharmful blip on the relationship landscape for one couple may be a frequent and destructive pattern for another.
Out-Talked by a Partner Who's Better at Communicating Than You Are?
Ever seen a deer in the headlights?
Then you'll know exactly what expression I see on some of my clients' faces when their partners start talking about relationship issues. They look freaked out, frozen, and frantic to avoid annihilation by a partner, who they believe is better at communicating than they are.
Not everybody is good with words.
Some people find it hard to find the right words that match what's going on inside their head. And even those who can find words may not be good at finding them all the time, especially when under the immense pressure that relationships can create.
How To Know When to Speak Up About a Relationship Issue
Ask anyone what it takes to have a great marriage and chances are you'll hear "Good communication".
Indeed, "We don't communicate" is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples when they present for relationship therapy.
However when you stop to think about it, there's really no such thing as not communicating. You could be growling or yelling at each other, or avoiding and ignoring each other completely… either way, you're still communicating. You're just not doing it well.
Mistakes Partners Make When Discussing Emotional Issues (and How to Avoid Them)
What had started as a peaceful afternoon riverside walk quickly changed into the equivalent of a stroll through a relationship minefield, as hubby and I stumbled upon an unresolved issue that had been hovering in the wings for a week or two, refusing to go away.
Unlike minor relationship challenges and gripes, which are sometimes better off "let through to the keeper," I knew that this issue, if left unresolved, had the potential to influence our relationship in a negative way.
"From the very first session I really liked your approach with us, because you were not biased and also you were so clear and direct.”
Craig, Maroochydore
“Pamela has an ability to explain concepts very clearly. She helped us see how we could interpret things differently and make changes to reduce everybody's stress.”
Bec & Dave, Coolum
“After completing Pamela's Couples Toolkit, everything has changed. We now know how to really listen, so we both feel confident discussing any issue (rather than avoid it as we would so often do before). We don't get stuck when things go off track - we now know how to repair quickly. No more cycles of fighting followed by silence - it's such a massive relief. Thanks so much Pamela.”
Ruby & Matt, Sunshine Coast
