How To Offer an Apology (That Actually Lands)
Apologies are one of the quiet power-tools of healthy relationships. When done well, they are a conduit to deep healing and connection. When done badly — hurried, distracted, insincere, or incomplete — they can at best have no significant meaning, and at worst, become further fuel for resentment, disconnection, and relationship toxicity.
It's really important to apologise in a way that maximises the chances for it to be really heard, understood, and received with the goodwill that you are intending. If you’re not sure that a verbal apology will land with the weight that it deserves, consider writing an apology. Writen apologies aren’t always better than verbal - there’s a time for each - but a letter can be a great way to reach a recipient when words can’t land. You can allow your recipient to read it alone, or you can read it aloud to him or her.
A written apology also prevents potential interruption by a recipient who might want to jump in and defend, rescue, or even belittle what you need to say. It allows the receiver valuable time to digest what's been said.
1. Identify specifically what you are sorry for.
Your apology will be so much more powerful if you can speak in specifics rather than in general terms.
"I'm sorry for what I was like when we became first-time parents" is too general.
"I'm sorry that I didn't help enough when (baby) was born. I was often late home from work, and even when I was home, I avoided doing what was needed. On weekends I left you alone at home together when I went out with my mates. I also often denied that I was doing anything wrong, even though you pleaded with me to help more." That is far more specific, and will make your apology far more tangible and credible.
2. Identify the impact that your behaviour had on your partner.
Be specific.
"You didn't have my help" is not enough.
"My behaviour meant that you were unable to get the rest you really needed, so you were totally exhausted. You also couldn't eat as well as you would have liked to, because you simply didn't have time to rest or prepare healthy meals, and I know how important healthy food is for you. You had to keep the housework going as best you could without my stepping up to help."
3. Propose how this may have felt for your partner.
Being empathic is a crucial step for an effective apology. Put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine the emotions and feelings that he or she may have experienced.
"You got stressed out and cranky at me" is not empathic, and it's potentially accusatory too.
"I imagine this may have been incredibly frustrating for you, and that you felt very angry with me at times. Maybe you also felt very alone, unloved, and worried about where things were headed between us. When I kept denying what you were saying, you might have also felt self doubt, and I imagine this would have really hurt."
4. Paint a picture of what you want, for your partner, for you, and for the relationship.
Dig deep. Here is where you get to set your relationship in a healthier direction. Be clear on what you want, and sell the dream.
"I want you to stop holding a grudge against me" isn't selling any dream, it's not future focussed.
"I want you to feel supported by me, and to be confident that I'll step up in future. I want to be a good family man and to feel more comfortable with these new obligations and pressures. I want us to be great parents and enjoy the experience together, even though at times, things will be tough."
Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.