Resentment Is Heavy… It’s Time To Stop Lugging It Around

Sometimes when couples come to therapy, one or both of them brings along a big backpack.

I can tell it's heavy, because they're always drained from the effort of lugging it around. They often let out a private sigh as they put it down.

Sooner or later, they open that backpack up and start laying the contents out on the therapy room floor.

Sometimes they do this one item at a time, reaching in for the one thing they're looking for, and selecting it for public view.

Other times they empty that backpack with one big upside down shake out, and we all stand back as a huge pile cascades onto the floor.

It's not a real backpack, and the contents aren't real either.

But they may as well be, because they create very real consequences for couples:

Resentments.

Resentments don't start off as resentments. They start off as the inevitable disappointments and hurts which are part of any close relationship.

Disappointments and hurts become resentments when whoever suffered them won't let them go.

The number one reason that clients tell me they don't let them go is that they fear by doing so, they will somehow belittle the significance of whatever it was they suffered.

It goes something like this:

"If I forgive him/her, then what I'm saying is that it really didn't hurt me that much after all."

Following this logic, the only way anyone can continue to do justice to how much they've been disappointed or hurt is to hold onto the resentment… and into that backpack it goes.

Keeping resentments alive is always bad news for relationships, and learning how to let them go is essential for couples who really want a relationship that thrives.

Next time you're tempted to store away resentments instead of letting them go, see if you can create a new logic, one that goes something like this:

"I have been hurt by (XYZ). Only I will ever know how much I have suffered. Yet I value myself (and our relationship) too much to carry this around as resentment. I choose to let it go."

Talk it through with your partner. Express how (XYZ) has impacted on you. Be curious about how it has impacted on him or her too. Seek an apology if one is deserved. Then honour yourself and your partnership by choosing to let it go.

Resentment has no place in a healthy relationship. There's only so much room in your backpack: fill it instead with the happy and healthy stuff that helps the two of you thrive.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.