How to (Really) Accept an Apology
No one likes being hurt. In healthy relationships it does and will happen occasionally.
When we've been hurt by our partner, all we really want is for him or her to understand and acknowledge what they've done, right? We hold out for the "I'm sorry", so that we can both move on.
When I work with couples it's an amazing feeling to be there in that moment when the apology one of them has been desperate for, finally comes. It's allowed me to see that the way an apology is received has a big impact on what happens next.
When you receive an apology from your loved one, how do you receive it?
An apology that's well received is a spine tingling moment that brings immediate healing.
A badly received apology, on the other hand, has very different consequences for a couple. It's a missed opportunity that prolongs pain. It's also a great disincentive for partners to apologise again. Why would you, if even when you do, it makes no positive difference?
When your partner apologises, how good are you at really taking that apology on board? Do you refuse to let it land? Here are some of the ways I see the receiver of an apology refuse it:
1. Refusing to believe it
You're just saying it because you know you should.
You're saying it, but you don't really mean it.
I'm not going to fall for this.
2. Taking a "one up" position
You're sorry… so you should be!
About time!
D'oh, well done, you figured it out.
3. Distracted acceptance
Yea OK, you're forgiven.
If your partner accidentally stepped on your toes, this option is all that's needed. A quick acknowledgement of the infringement, before a swift moving on. But I've seen partners respond to apologies like this when the infringement was much more serious.
If you've found that real healing hasn't always followed when apologies are made in your relationship, here's how you might like to handle things next time:
Stop what you are doing.
Look at him or her.
Acknowledge the apology and what it has been made for.
Accept the apology.
Apologies are moments when true heartfelt love happens. It's a moment we all deserve to feel, whether we're the one offering, or the one who receives. Hurts happen in all relationships. Healing does too.
Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.