Common Thinking Habits That Poison Relationships

Falling in love and being in relationships can at times do crazy things to the way people think. Rational, sensible people with rational, sensible thinking habits can get a little tangled up in thinking habits that aren't rational and sensible at all.

This is fine when the irrational thoughts are merely about how lucky we are that we've found the most attractive partner ever to walk the earth, or that we are clearly the first and only couple ever to be so happily in love.

It's not so fine when the initial loved up phase ends and the inevitable differences arise, bringing with them tough relationship challenges. Partners really do need rational, sensible thinking if they are going to navigate their way through normal relationship ups and downs successfully.

For partners wanting a great relationship that's healthy and strong, it's crucial to know what irrational thinking sounds like and to correct it when it does.

Mindreading

Do you make assumptions about what your partner is thinking? Do you come to conclusions without checking out whether they are right? Do you expect your partner to automatically know what you are thinking, and what you want?

"I just know he was thinking…!"

"If she really loved me, she would know…"

Sound familiar? Stop it. You are not a mindreader, and nor is your partner. Next time, check out your assumption by actually asking, before you believe it's right.

Polarising

Do you see things in extremes? Black… or white? Awesome… or disastrous? Success… or complete failure?

"This isn't great… so it must be a total failure…"

"He's angry… so he's going to leave me…"

Sound familiar? Stop it. Life is not black and white. You're missing the grey in between, and jumping to conclusions that aren't necessarily true. Look for the "grey" zone between the two extremes.

Personalisation

Do you believe things are your fault when they don't go well? Do you find yourself thinking that you must have done something wrong when your partner is in a bad mood?

"What did I do… and what must I do now to make things better…?"

This is fine if something is actually your fault, but totally irrational if not. You can't be responsible for everything, especially stuff that's going on for your partner personally. Check out whether there's something you can do, but otherwise let it go.

Catastrophic thinking

Do you like drama? When something unexpected or unwanted happens, do you jump to extreme "worst case scenarios"? Do you do a lot of "what ifs"?

"This is completely terrible… OMG a total disaster!!!!"

Save the histrionics. Breathe and be calm. There will be time for the drama when really bad stuff happens, but until then, learn to take stuff in your stride. Your partner will thank you for it.

Filtering

Do you retain the bad… while completely disregarding the good? Do you remember the one thing that goes wrong, but not even notice the other ten things that go right?

"You never do nice things for me…"

What you look for is what you will notice. Change the lens. Make a point of seeking out what's right and you'll start to notice the good stuff more and more.

Holding on to stuff

Do you suffer "bad moods"? Do you wake up and feel annoyed with your partner simply because something happened the day before that you haven't let go of?

"He/she is so…"

"Life sucks… Poor me…"

Life is too short. Know the difference between issues that deserve to be discussed and resolved, and those that need to be put to rest. Learn to let go. Resentment is relationship poison.

Toxic thinking habits are sneaky. They seem so natural that many people just believe them without even noticing that they aren't necessarily true, rational, nor healthy.

Like many bad habits, changing them starts with acknowledging that they are there. Start catching yourself out. Then start turning these thinking habits around.

Work together and watch your relationship get stronger and happier as you both learn and grow.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.