The Harsh Inner Critic. Ouch.
What is it?
It's an internal "voice" that delivers a running commentary on what we do and who we are, as we go about our daily life.
We might hear it when we embarrass ourselves, and we hear an internal voice saying: "You idiot. You are such a loser!" Or when we look in the mirror: "You're so fat! You're so unfit! You're so ugly!" Or when we see couples all around us and we haven't even found a partner: "You're alone because you're unlovable! No one will ever marry you!"
Why is it there?
Paradoxically, some psychologists believe that the harsh inner critic is there to make us feel better. It's thought that by knocking us down, it actually motivates us to aspire to new heights. When we hear that internal criticism, we become motivated to please our harsh inner critic by becoming better, slimmer, richer, faster, funnier… or whatever.
Is it good or bad?
It's good because there's nothing wrong with being motivated to be a better version of ourselves. A healthy inner critic is well balanced. It also knows when to back off and leave room for self acceptance and positive regard.
It's bad because the harsh inner critic very easily becomes unhealthy, by hijacking our thinking and silencing any sense of self acceptance and positive regard. When our harsh inner critic is out of control, it's never satisfied. We aspire to please it, but we never get there.
How would I know if mine is healthy or not?
If you put yourself down a lot, have low confidence in social settings, find it hard to feel loved (or even liked) by others, believe that you're never good enough, or find yourself searching for that elusive next diet, outfit, partner, or job that's going to make you feel you've "made it", then it's possible that your own harsh inner critic is no longer helpful.
How can I turn an unhealthy harsh inner critic around?
Catch it in the act. Then start talking back. Do your best impersonation of a defence lawyer, starring in your own internal courtroom drama:
"Why does making one silly comment make me a loser?"
"Who says I'm ugly? Is this an actual fact? According to whom?"
"What evidence do you have that proves I will never find a loving partner?"
Remember that the harsh inner critic can only rule your life if you allow it to do so. You wouldn't allow a friend to follow you around all day criticising you. Don't allow yourself to listen to a voice that is unhealthy (and makes you unhappy), just because it's yours.
Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.