Forget the Shouting… There Are Better Ways for Couples to Argue

I have a message for all couples, whether you're fans of Channel 9's reality show Married at First Sight, or not.

All couples need to understand that it's simply not true that arguments are always negative. It's how we do them that counts.

A disagreement, issue, or argument is a relationship BUILDING exercise, if conducted in a productive way. And I've seen time and time again how relationships get stronger when the people in them know how to discuss an issue, well.

It doesn't matter if you didn't watch the Married at First Sight episode, suffice to say it was a great demonstration of how easily a discussion can get into a negative spiral, but also how the issue that starts it all can so often be relatively trivial and benign.

Here's a few tips that the producers of the show may have been wise to pass on to our lovely Clare and Lachlan. As I said, the tips didn't come in episode 3… but I'll hold off until we see what they do with the remainder of the series. Meanwhile, for anyone wondering how to argue in a relationship building way, please start with these basic rules:

Rule #1: Don't attempt to address an issue until you're both ready.

Sounds obvious, but couples often make this mistake. Don't be ironing, cooking dinner, or performing other tasks. Don't be tired, sick, drunk, or hungry. Don't be distracted. If an issue is important enough to be an issue, set a space and time where you are both able to focus on each other and truly concentrate on what's being said.

Rule #2: Don't start the conversation in a negative way.

Gottman's research tells us that conversations between couples that start with a complaint, criticism, or in a harsh manner are destined to fail. Use language that's not inflammatory, and preface what you need to say within a positive framework:

"Hey, I know we've both got different views about how we should spend this weekend. Let's sit down and talk this through… I'd like to understand where you're coming from, and I'd also like to explain my thoughts to you." That might have been a better way to start.

Rule #3: You are an adult. Relationships are adult things.

Be in an adult frame of mind. Think of the issue as a challenge for you both to share and resolve in an adult way.

Don't be invested in defending your own position or getting a "win". Be collaborative. Be prepared to compromise, and be prepared to lose (that's both of you)! In a healthy relationship, the ledger will balance itself out.

Rule #4: Don't interrupt each other.

Don't use critical language, don't be defensive or blaming, don't speak down to your partner, don't shout or swear… And if you can't manage this, go to Rule #5.

Rule #5: Know when you need time out.

Emotional flooding is a normal physiological response, but that doesn't mean it's helpful. If you notice that your voice has changed pitch, your breathing is rapid and shallow, your body is trembling, you're having trouble maintaining eye contact or sitting still, or you're retreating "inside" of yourself and no longer present, it's time for "time out".

Rule #6: Paraphrase, repeat, and "feed back" what you hear your partner saying.

A good conversation is where there's a constant "back and forth" between participants. If you don't fully understand what you're hearing, ask for clarification, and keep feeding it back until your partner can say "Yes! You are understanding me completely." Likewise, make sure your partner is understanding what you're saying, by requesting that she or he feed back to you. You'll be amazed how much valuable information gets glossed over, misinterpreted, or completely ignored, and how easily a discussion can be sabotaged by messages that go off track.

Rule #7: Don't be stubborn.

Sometimes a resolution is difficult or impossible. If compromise (on one or both sides) doesn't help solve the issue, it's OK to "agree to disagree". Couples don't have to see things the same way in order to be happy. They just need to know how to express themselves, be heard, be collaborative, give (in order to receive), and "choose their battles" wisely.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been in private clinical practice helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive since 1993. Contact Pamela here.