Unhappy in Your Relationship? It Might Not Be Your Partner's Fault.

Ever go through phases when life just isn't happening the way you want it to? Times when you're unhappy and discontented? If you're in a relationship it's easy during times like this to point the finger at your partner as the reason why you're just not right.

As a marriage therapist, couples work with me to fix all sorts of relationship problems, so I know more than anyone the many things partners can do together to create relationship happiness.

But what about the times when it's really our own "stuff" that's keeping us unhappy, rather than relationship "stuff" that we can work on and resolve together? We each need to be personally happy before we even stand a chance of creating a relationship that's happy.

Blaming our relationship for our own personal unhappiness keeps us disempowered. It takes self responsibility to find solutions for our own personal unhappiness.

If you're not as happy as you could be, it might not be your partner's fault.

If you're not feeling as happy with life as you'd like to be, and you're in a relationship, you might be looking for relationship dynamics or issues that are the cause of your discontent. But it makes sense to step outside of your relationship and look at yourself too.

Here is a little checklist of questions that have been helpful for others:

Am I as physically healthy as I can be?

I can't emphasise enough how connected our physical health is with our emotional health and happiness. To whatever degree you can be healthy, do it! As a naturopath I regularly witness people turn unhappy lives and relationships around simply by taking responsibility and getting empowered with their physical health.

Go on a detox, lose weight, exercise daily, cut out junk food, sugar, alcohol, quit smoking, and treat insomnia or fatigue.

Are my thinking habits really keeping me at my best?

The way we think plays a huge part in how we feel, so to be happy and content it's really crucial to think in healthy ways. Unhealthy thinking is extremely common and it's sneaky because it just creeps up and we don't even realise we're doing it. All we notice is that our life and relationships become tougher than they need to.

Learn about the common thinking errors, stop using them, and work at creating healthy thinking habits.

Am I as emotionally healthy as I can be?

Old emotional wounds, unresolved trauma, mood disorders, and old grudges and resentments really take their toll on both relationship and personal happiness. Just because we've been carrying emotional junk around until now doesn't mean we need to continue doing so.

Work alone, with someone you know and love, or with a professional you trust to clear your emotional baggage. Life's just too short to keep carrying it around.

Am I spiritually "awake" and healthy?

When life isn't great and our relationship and personal happiness is suffering it's really easy to fall "asleep" with regards to our own spiritual connectedness. Whether it's a particular religion that calls you, or simply nature, music, beauty, or whatever, there's such enormous power that comes from cultivating your relationship with your own spirituality.

Cultivate your own connection to God, Mother Nature, or your Higher Self and stay connected with your spirituality.

Being in a healthy and happy relationship means attending to that relationship together, and being the very best partner you can be. But it also means attending to who you are within yourself. If your relationship is in an unhappy phase, look to your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, and make sure you are the very best shape that you can be. You might find that your relationship falls into line.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been in private clinical practice helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive since 1993. Contact Pamela here.