How to Hold Your Ground Without Damaging Your Relationship

If you're in a relationship you will have noticed that partners don't always see eye to eye. Knowing how to hold your ground without damaging your relationship is a really important skill for partners wanting a healthy relationship.

In past disagreements or stand offs, maybe you've tried being nice and keeping the peace. If you did this enough you possibly ended up discovering that you weren't true to yourself.

Maybe then you tried pushing back and refusing to budge regardless of the consequences. This strategy won't have brought you both closer and it definitely won't work indefinitely.

When dealing with relationship conflict, neither the passive nor the aggressive option works. If it's a healthy relationship you're after, you're going to need something different next time you're not seeing eye to eye.

There's a third option. Couples in healthy and happy relationships use it when they have a relationship issue to resolve.

First you've got to understand that it's totally possible for partners to disagree in a way that doesn't feed straight into relationship hostility, toxicity, disconnect and pain.

This list isn't definitive, but here are some of the things partners in healthy relationships do when they disagree but still want to hold their ground without harming their relationship:

1. Be clear about your position.

What is your opinion? Is it an objective opinion (that is, the facts are indisputable), or a subjective opinion (that is, simply your own personal interpretation of "reality")? How does your opinion speak to your own values, beliefs, and life experience? Share as much as you can that's relevant to whatever the issue, argument, or challenge is that's going on.

2. Speak for self.

If you hear yourself saying the word "You" (as in "You are this or that", "you should be this or that", "This is why you did this or that…"), STOP! Speak for yourself. You can visualise that as shining a floodlight on yourself, and completely off your partner. It's YOU that needs to be shared here, not your interpretations, opinions, judgements, and conclusions about your partner… however much of an expert on him or her you may be.

3. Acknowledge that your partner may not see things the same way.

You both don't have to agree on everything in order to have a great relationship. At times, compromise will be needed. Or perhaps you might need to "agree to disagree". And at other times, you'll feel locked in opposing positions. When this happens, learn to turn down your emotional panic. Breathe. Slow down. Avoid making conclusions or knee jerk reactions. Accept what is. You'll notice how the emotional charge between you immediately feels calmer. And once you're calmer, you'll be able to think clearer about the decisions to make next.

4. Empathise with your partner.

When you can regard your partner as an individual in his or her own right and not simply an extension of yourself, feeling comfortable even when you disagree will be so much easier. And no, this isn't about emotionally "checking out". If you do that, you're not building a healthier relationship, you're just switching off. Stay connected, stay loving, and listen carefully to your partner. Get out of your own self and imagine how your partner may be feeling. Then share this with your partner so he or she can help you empathise even more fully. Empathy is a conduit to relationship healing.

5. Hold your ground.

Just because you're able to empathise doesn't mean you're willing to roll over. Offer as much information as you can about your position on the issue at hand: what you think, feel, want, or perhaps don't want. What your dream is for the relationship itself. It's your job to help your partner understand all of this data in as much depth as you can provide.

6. Be accountable for your own emotional boundaries.

If your emotions start taking over, you are responsible for what happens next. Either you can keep your emotions under control, or you can't. If you can't, that's OK. Partners get emotionally flooded all the time. If this happens, you are no longer capable of interacting in a positive way, and it's time to ask for "time out" before returning to your issue at a later time.

7. Find out how you can help your partner.

What does your partner need from you? Not sure? Then ask! Find out what you do that helps him or her soften their position. Do they find it easier to take a more collaborative position when you stop criticising, ranting, or raving? Do they need to believe that you are accountable for something you're currently not seeing, or doing? Do they feel more willing to compromise when you are able to respond with a compromise of your own?

8. Get perspective.

How does this issue impact on our larger goal? The one about us growing old happily together? Are we approaching our differences in a way that honours this higher goal? How important is this issue to me, really? How does my ego get in the way? What does my partner's ego really need from me? How can I say "no" and be more loving, forgiving, gentle (or whatever he or she needs more of from me) at the same time? Remember, when partners butt heads, there's always a back story.

Partners don't always see eye to eye. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being willing to concede at times. But for times when giving in just doesn't feel right, the above suggestions will help you to hold your ground in ways that still head you in the direction of a healthy relationship.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.