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7 Strategies for Reconnecting With Yourself
Life is a long journey. Everyone gets lost at various points along the way.
The problem with getting lost is that we don't realise we are lost because we've gone numb. We're still living and loving but we're doing it "asleep" from our own innate wisdom and soul.
Then one day we realise we're lost and we start trying to reconnect. It's frustrating if we can't find what we are looking for.
The following 7 strategies have made the process easier for many of the clients who have shared their journeys with me. Maybe they will help you find yourself too.
How to Be Angry AND Loving When You Argue
All couples argue. So we may as well learn how to do it well.
Many of the couples I see in practice don't know how to argue well. So it makes me wonder how the rest of you are doing it.
Is it only the couples who end up in a marriage therapist's office who make these mistakes? Or are lots of other couples also arguing badly… and suffering the relationship damage that results from it?
Here are 3 common mistakes that I see couples making when they argue:
Thinking and speaking in "all or nothing" terms
4 Strategies for Turning Destructive Arguments into Healthy Discussions
Having a healthy discussion rather than a destructive argument takes skill. All couples argue, but not all couples argue well. Here are some of the most common rookie errors that I see in my work with couples.
1. Don't be passive
Saying nothing may help in the short term, but it's not a long term strategy for partners who really want love that lasts, because it prevents true sharing of yourself with your partner and usually leads to built up resentment. Built up resentment then usually leads to sudden outbursts of emotion or to passive aggressive behaviours, or both.
Couples, Arguments, and the Blame Trap
Differences are a normal part of all relationships, as are the arguments that arise from them. So much so, that when I occasionally meet a couple who claim they "never ever disagree or argue", my marriage therapist radar starts blinking steadily. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and I'd wager a bet that what's really going on in such couples is committed, systemic, and unhealthy conflict avoidance (otherwise known as non-assertiveness) by one or both parties.
For the rest of us in marriages or relationships, it's normal to expect conflict. But here the differences arise. What may be an occasional and relatively unharmful blip on the relationship landscape for one couple may be a frequent and destructive pattern for another.
Out-Talked by a Partner Who's Better at Communicating Than You Are?
Ever seen a deer in the headlights?
Then you'll know exactly what expression I see on some of my clients' faces when their partners start talking about relationship issues. They look freaked out, frozen, and frantic to avoid annihilation by a partner, who they believe is better at communicating than they are.
Not everybody is good with words.
Some people find it hard to find the right words that match what's going on inside their head. And even those who can find words may not be good at finding them all the time, especially when under the immense pressure that relationships can create.
How To Know When to Speak Up About a Relationship Issue
Ask anyone what it takes to have a great marriage and chances are you'll hear "Good communication".
Indeed, "We don't communicate" is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples when they present for relationship therapy.
However when you stop to think about it, there's really no such thing as not communicating. You could be growling or yelling at each other, or avoiding and ignoring each other completely… either way, you're still communicating. You're just not doing it well.
Mistakes Partners Make When Discussing Emotional Issues (and How to Avoid Them)
What had started as a peaceful afternoon riverside walk quickly changed into the equivalent of a stroll through a relationship minefield, as hubby and I stumbled upon an unresolved issue that had been hovering in the wings for a week or two, refusing to go away.
Unlike minor relationship challenges and gripes, which are sometimes better off "let through to the keeper," I knew that this issue, if left unresolved, had the potential to influence our relationship in a negative way.
Switch From Complaint to Request for a Happier Relationship
Ever been in a relationship with a complainer? Or perhaps you're prone to a bit of complaining and whinging yourself when your relationship isn't going right?
All of us have days when we feel inconvenienced, annoyed, or even outright furious about something our partner is (or is not) doing.
It makes sense that we should be able to communicate to our partner when we're not OK about something. Everyone knows that good communication is important for good relationships.
Why Shutting Up and Keeping Quiet Is a Really Bad Relationship Option: a Case Study
It was their first couples therapy session and already I was hearing the same story that I've heard from so many other couples over so many years.
"Melissa" was describing how her husband doesn't speak up enough. He doesn't offer opinions, or make decisions, she says. She feels like she's the only adult in the relationship and she wants a husband who is more like a partner than just another one of the kids.
Sick of Nagging?
Choose a behaviour that you can repeat numerous times every single day. Then repeat this for weeks, months, years and decades. Make sure it's a behaviour that brings out the worst in you, really annoys and exhausts you, never feels good, and leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, and angry towards the people you love.
Sick of Being Nagged?
Imagine a day when from the moment you got up, someone followed you around telling you that everything you're doing is wrong. Even when you make an effort to do something right, it goes unnoticed. And if you make one small mistake you're criticised for being hopeless and blamed for never trying hard enough.
"From the very first session I really liked your approach with us, because you were not biased and also you were so clear and direct.”
Craig, Maroochydore
“After completing Pamela's Couples Toolkit, everything has changed. We now know how to really listen, so we both feel confident discussing any issue (rather than avoid it as we would so often do before). We don't get stuck when things go off track - we now know how to repair quickly. No more cycles of fighting followed by silence - it's such a massive relief. Thanks so much Pamela.”
Ruby & Matt, Sunshine Coast
"Pamela is not only kind and compassionate, but a true professional with excellent skills that have brought me so many insights. I have the utmost respect for her honesty, integrity, and knowledge. She’s been a true blessing!”
Phoebe, Caloundra
