Mistakes Partners Make When Discussing Emotional Issues (and How to Avoid Them)

I was heading straight into dangerous territory and I knew it.

What had started as a peaceful afternoon riverside walk quickly changed into the equivalent of a stroll through a relationship minefield, as hubby and I stumbled upon an unresolved issue that had been hovering in the wings for a week or two, refusing to go away.

Unlike minor relationship challenges and gripes, which are sometimes better off "let through to the keeper," I knew that this issue, if left unresolved, had the potential to influence our relationship in a negative way.

Well, more specifically, I knew this unresolved issue had the potential to influence ME in a negative way.

Over the past few days I'd already noticed myself shutting down — nothing obvious to the naked eye, just a slight shift of my relational energy from "leaning in" to "leaning out" of our relationship.

I knew that unless I could find peace with this issue on my own and get back into a connected headspace and a spirit of "leaning in" (I couldn't), I owed it to our relationship to speak up.

So, there we were, walking by the river, speaking.

I was aware of things happening in my body. I felt tense all over. My voice was tight and choppy. My breathing was shallow, my pulse rate fast, and I was finding eye contact difficult.

Yet what I was noticing in my head was even more interesting.

Inside my head were two very different parts, both with very different agendas:

Firstly, there was a rational part. Let's call her my "functional adult". She knew that we are two adults who love each other very much and who owe it to each other to resolve our issues sensibly and without any risk of inflicting collateral damage to each other's hearts.

Then there was another part. Let's call her my "inner child". She didn't want to behave like an adult. She wanted to stamp her angry little feet. She felt wronged and she was pissed off. This part didn't much care whether relationship damage ensued.

Fortunately, in addition to being a wife who at times gets triggered by normal relationship challenges just like the rest of you, I'm also a marriage and relationship therapist.

This means I'm regularly hearing about how all sorts of couples make all sorts of relationship mistakes, and it's my job to help them try out alternative solutions.

Check whether you're making any of these mistakes:

1. Allowing your "inner child" to hijack your "functional adult". This results in you saying and doing things that no rational, mature, loving adult would do.

2. Indulging in self-righteous expression, fuelled by the faulty belief that "I am hurt, therefore I am allowed to say whatever I want, regardless of whether it hurts you."

3. Believing you're right.

4. Trying to control what happens.

5. Trying to retaliate or point score.

6. Getting overwhelmed before withdrawing and refusing to speak honestly.

And here's how you could be doing it better:

1. Stop. Breathe. (This regulates your nervous system and prevents you from becoming emotionally flooded.)

2. Resist the temptation to communicate from your triggered "inner child". He or she has the maturity of a child and is incapable of building a healthy adult relationship.

3. Make sure you're engaging with, and communicating from, your "functional adult". This is the adult version of you, and is rational, mature, and sensible.

4. Speak for yourself, using "I" statements to communicate your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs about the issue.

5. Understand that your point of view is subjective and can only be yours alone.

6. Listen very carefully to your partner's point of view, understanding that this is subjective too. Ask questions with openhearted curiosity if you don't understand something, or when you need to know more.

7. Yield where you can, by looking for your part in the issue. Acknowledge, take responsibility, and apologise for what you can.

8. Shift from complaint to request by clearly asking for the changes you want. Invite the same back.

9. Revise and review potential next steps and solutions as you both raise them.

10. Thank your partner for the discussion. Share a kiss, hug, and/or words of affection and love.

Then let it go. There's no room for grudges and resentments in a healthy relationship.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Credit is due to her mentor Terry Real of the Relational Life Institute for inspiring some of the material in this post. Contact Pamela here.