Switch From Complaint to Request for a Happier Relationship

Ever been in a relationship with a complainer? Or perhaps you're prone to a bit of complaining and whinging yourself when your relationship isn't going right?

All of us have days when we feel inconvenienced, annoyed, or even outright furious about something our partner is (or is not) doing.

It makes sense that we should be able to communicate to our partner when we're not OK about something. Everyone knows that good communication is important for good relationships.

But here's a very important truth about successful relationships:

While it's healthy to speak frankly about what's not going right, it's HOW we speak up that makes the difference between a relationship that's truly happy, and one that's not.

So, when we need to speak up about something, HOW should we do it?

The answer is simple. Get out of complaint mode, and instead, simply ask for what you really want.

"You've left the kitchen in a complete mess! Why don't you put your plates in the dishwasher!" is a complaint. Turning this into a request sounds like this: "It's hard for me to use the kitchen when the sink is piled up with dishes. Could you please put your plates in the dishwasher rather than leave them in the sink?"

"You never even check with me before inviting your mates over" is a complaint. Turning this into a request sounds like this: "Next time you are thinking of inviting your mates over, could you please check with me first?"

"You expect me to do everything for the kids when it's their bedtime. You should get off your arse and help me!" is a complaint. Turning this into a request sounds like this: "It's time for the kids to get to bed and I'm going to need some help from you please."

Sceptical?

You might be thinking that communicating with requests like this will only annoy your partner and that he or she would probably just respond with a "No!"

If you expect that if you make a request it will be rejected by your partner, this may well be why you choose to communicate in complaint mode in the first place. Maybe you figure that at least if you're not explicitly asking for something, you can't be rejected.

But the problem is that if you choose to communicate in complaint mode, your partner will learn to switch off (who wants to listen to a whinger?). Your words will become like white noise on an old TV set… nobody is really listening. Perhaps that's how it feels in your relationship already? If you feel unheard, perhaps you react by complaining louder. That's even more reason why a change of strategy makes sense.

Changing any relationship culture takes conscious effort, and time. But if complaining is part of your relationship culture, try asking for what you want instead. I've seen many couples make what therapist Terry Real calls the "complaint to request" shift, and it's always in the best interests of a healthier relationship.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.