How To Know When to Speak Up About a Relationship Issue

Ask anyone what it takes to have a great marriage and chances are you'll hear "Good communication".

Indeed, "We don't communicate" is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples when they present for relationship therapy.

However when you stop to think about it, there's really no such thing as not communicating. You could be growling or yelling at each other, or avoiding and ignoring each other completely… either way, you're still communicating. You're just not doing it well.

What I mean by communicating "well" really boils down to whether your communication brings you one step closer to each other (not literally of course, but in terms of relational energy), as opposed to taking you one step further away from each other.

Those of you who have worked with me know that I place a pretty heavy emphasis on great communication, because I know that really healthy and happy relationships can't happen without it.

Great communication enables partners to successfully navigate their way through the inevitable differences and challenges that arise in all relationships.

But even more importantly, great communication turns relationship problems into opportunities for relationship growth. Great relationships aren't built by watching sunsets or taking awesome holidays (think of these things as more like a fringe benefit). Great relationships are built in the way both partners show up and deal with the hard stuff. We need to know how to do it well.

So, great communication skills are important, but does that mean we have to talk to each other all the time… about every little bump along the relationship road?

No. Sometimes, dealing with relationship challenges well means not communicating about them at all.

It's not easy to know when to talk and when not to talk about relationship challenges, and I see couples getting this wrong every day.

Some partners talk too much, never letting even the smallest relationship issues go. They don't know how to let anything "through to the keeper", and they don't know how to take self-responsibility and instead, expect their partner to fix whatever is wrong.

Other partners just shove their irritations and disappointments inside and don't talk about them at all. They assume it's all too hard, or they'd rather just keep the peace, or the problem will magically blow over given enough time.

Speaking about every little thing… or not speaking about problems at all: neither option leads to relationship success. Relationship success takes knowing which problems are important enough to speak up about, and which aren't.

So how do we decide when a relationship problem is important enough that we need to speak up about it… and when it's better to just let it go?

This is a really important question for many of the couples I work with, and it will be for many of you, too. Knowing when to talk about a relationship issue, and when to let it go, is as important as having great communication skills in the first place.

Next time you're faced with a relationship problem, ask yourself these questions:

If I let this go, how will my relational energy be affected?

If it's still leaning in, then that's OK. I can let the issue go.

If it's leaning out, I need to attend to it.

What can I do personally to change this, so I can lean back in again?

If I can attend to it, and get my relational energy leaning back in, then I don't need to talk about it.

If I can't do anything personally, I need to address it with my partner using my communication skills.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.