Sick of Nagging?

Try this:

Choose a behaviour that you can repeat numerous times every single day. Then repeat this for weeks, months, years and decades. Make sure it's a behaviour that brings out the worst in you, really annoys and exhausts you, never feels good, and leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, and angry towards the people you love.

Not so keen?

I've had a run of girlfriends, wives, and mums in my office lately who aren't so keen on this idea either, but they're doing it anyway, stuck in the repetitive habit of "nagging". And they're feeling so miserable about it because they're clueless about how to stop it.

The "nagger" (not always a woman) feels exhausted, frustrated, resentful, and angry. She's sick of trying to hold everything together, and sick of barking orders at partners or kids who don't (or won't) see what needs doing and when.

She's tired of her own nagging voice but she's scared that if she stops nagging then things will just stop getting done. And she can't afford for things to just stop getting done, so she battles on.

What's that they say about the definition of insanity?

Isn't it doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

It's been fun helping these naggers discover what a healthy request sounds like, and to witness them becoming more empowered and calm.

If you've become a nagger too, I'm here to convince you that there is another way. Here's how to start:

Make sure you mean what you say.

Naggers often end up so frustrated and angry that they find themselves nagging about all sorts of things, the big and the small. Learn to let the small stuff go (either do it yourself, without resentment, or when possible, let it go undone). What's left is the stuff that really matters to you.

Shift from complaint to request.

Naggers whinge, complain, bully, or ask for stuff in a wishy-washy way. Healthy communicators ask for stuff by shifting out of complaint, and making a request instead.

"You never remember to put the bin out" is a complaint. "I'd like you to help me by putting the bin out tonight please" is a request.

Say it like you mean it.

If it's important enough for you to be asking it, then make sure you deliver it with the credibility it deserves.

A harried "Come and pack your lunch boxes" shouted in a distracted voice from another room is far less credible than the exact same words delivered as you stand face to face and make eye contact, using a firm, calm, "I really mean what I say" voice.

Don't get hijacked by your own inner child.

She's quite rightly feeling unsupported, frustrated, angry, and resentful… and she's feeling entitled to behave accordingly. But she's not going to help you get your partner or kids onside. The part of you who you need to enlist is your Adult Self — yep, you know her… the one who can be feeling all sorts of emotions but can still stay rational and calm under pressure.

Seek confirmation that you've been heard (and understood).

Seen those TV shows where the emergency crew talk on their CB radios and say "Roger that" to each other to indicate that a message has been successfully received? Making a request doesn't mean your partner or kids necessarily hear, or understand it. If you've been a nagger, they've probably learned to tune out too. Ask for acknowledgment of what you've requested.

Offer a choice… and a consequence.

Naggers nag because they ask for something and it doesn't get done. So then they ask again, and again.

Nip this in the bud by offering a choice, and outlining the potential consequences which may follow.

"I'd like you to pack your lunch box before 8am. If you don't, you'll need to sort out your own lunch today."

Be patient and understand that creating a new family culture takes time.

Just remember that you can change the way you communicate pretty quickly, but your kids and partner will need time to adjust to the "new you".

Start experimenting with these ideas, and experiment with what works best. When your best intentions fail, be flexible. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.