Sick of Being Nagged?

Imagine a day when from the moment you got up, someone followed you around telling you that everything you're doing is wrong. Even when you make an effort to do something right, it goes unnoticed. And if you make one small mistake you're criticised for being hopeless and blamed for never trying hard enough.

For some partners, imagining this comes pretty easily. That little someone happens to be the partner they chose for life.

If this is you, your relationship is probably feeling pretty miserable. You're sick of being treated like you're not good enough, and you're sick of feeling like the dumping ground for anything in your partner's life that isn't going right.

From here you've got three options:

You can bunker down and try not to make a big deal about it:

Maybe you've learned that it's easier to keep the peace, so you let these comments land without responding.

If you're like most of my clients who choose this passive option, you don't like having a partner who nags, but you prefer to avoid the inevitable conflict that would happen if you fight back.

The problem with this is that over time, your relationship will pay the price. Being passive in response to a nagging partner requires shoving your true emotions deep down inside. It takes a certain emotional shutdown, and when one or both partners deal with relationship problems with emotional shutdown, their relationship can't survive.

You can fight back:

Maybe you've tried the passive approach but ended up losing your cool (there's only so long anyone can shove these feelings inside).

If you're like most of my clients who choose this option, you don't like having a partner who nags, and you're feeling entitled to make this clear.

Fair enough. But if this is you, you've probably found that conflict has become a frequent part of your relationship culture.

My guess is that neither option 1 or 2 will be leading either of you to a happier relationship.

You can stay calm and be assertive:

No-one deserves to be nagged at, and you're right to want it to stop. Nagging is toxic to relationships, and you should try to change this, because it's this sort of stuff that over time, drives once loved-up couples apart.

How you go about doing this really matters. If you choose the first two options above, it's unlikely to ever get resolved.

That's why staying calm and being assertive is the only really healthy way to go. It's the only option that stands a chance of turning this problem around.

Firstly, think about what role you're playing here. Is there truth in what your partner keeps nagging you about? If so, it's your job to be accountable for it.

Now you'll need to go about setting some healthy boundaries by teaching your partner, respectfully and with love, how you'd like to be treated, and what sort of relationship you'd like to create.

You'll need to speak calmly, firmly, and assertively. It might sound something like this:

"Hey partner, when you speak to me like that it really affects me badly. It leaves me thinking that for you, nothing I do is right. I've tried to shut my mouth and keep the peace, but I notice it just shuts me down. I've also tried pushing back, but then we just end up fighting. I've realised that neither works to make me feel closer to you, or happier in our relationship. What I really want is a relationship where we tell each other when we're annoyed or we feel we've been let down — but I do want this to be fair, and I want it to be kind. From what I'm seeing, we aren't doing this well, and I'd like to work with you to change this."

Sounds like hard work? Being assertive sometimes is. But better than being nagged at for the next few decades. Or letting things get so disconnected that your relationship falls apart.

Imagine a day when from the moment you got up, someone followed you around telling you when something you're doing is right. Noticing when you make an effort. And swiftly forgiving and forgetting your mistakes, because there's so much else happening in the relationship that's right.

For some partners, imagining this comes pretty easily, because it's already happening. If you want to be one of them, start experimenting with assertive responses to your nagging partner, and see what happens next.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.