4 Strategies for Turning Destructive Arguments into Healthy Discussions

Having a healthy discussion rather than a destructive argument takes skill. All couples argue, but not all couples argue well. Here are some of the most common rookie errors that I see in my work with couples.

1. Don't be passive

Saying nothing may help in the short term, but it's not a long term strategy for partners who really want love that lasts, because it prevents true sharing of yourself with your partner and usually leads to built up resentment. Built up resentment then usually leads to sudden outbursts of emotion or to passive aggressive behaviours, or both.

2. Don't be aggressive

Getting on the front foot by attacking, criticising, blaming, defending, or shutting down by either physically or emotionally leaving the interaction are all aggressive strategies that ruin relationships. It's normal to become emotional, but learning how to handle even the most extreme emotions without becoming aggressive is a crucial skill for healthy relationships.

3. Find something to agree on

Give a little. If it's possible to find something from your partner's point of view that you can accept, put this on the table at the outset. It's a great way to diffuse tension and communicate that you are being reasonable and responsible for your own share of the problem.

4. Speak for self

Avoid using "you" talk, and instead, speak using the pronoun "I". Share your own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs, rather than your opinions about what your partner thinks, feels, wants, or needs. If your issue is about something your partner did, use phrases such as "To me it seemed that…" or "My feelings when that happened were…"

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.