Couples, Arguments, and the Blame Trap

Differences are a normal part of all relationships, as are the arguments that arise from them. So much so, that when I occasionally meet a couple who claim they "never ever disagree or argue", my marriage therapist radar starts blinking steadily. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and I'd wager a bet that what's really going on in such couples is committed, systemic, and unhealthy conflict avoidance (otherwise known as non-assertiveness) by one or both parties.

For the rest of us in marriages or relationships, it's normal to expect conflict. But here the differences arise. What may be an occasional and relatively unharmful blip on the relationship landscape for one couple may be a frequent and destructive pattern for another.

Not only do the frequency and intensity of our arguments matter, so too does their productiveness. Couples who fight without arriving at a new destination (a better one than where they started) are usually stuck in repeated cycles of unproductive relationship conflict. In short, they need to learn how to argue better.

If you and your partner argue but get nowhere, read on.

Let's say your arguments are like a campfire. It's a lovely little fire pit in your backyard. Both of you have choices every day, every moment, about what to do with that fire. You can throw kindling on when you want to flare it up. You can throw hardwood on when you want it to keep a long slow burn. And you can grab a rake and spread the coals apart when you want it to burn out.

What I notice when I observe couples stuck in unproductive conflict is that lots of kindling gets thrown on that fire. And each partner's willingness to take turns adding more kindling to the fire only serves to escalate the tension and conflict. It also creates little side arguments or red herrings that, in turn, divert attention away from whatever the issue at hand was in the first place. Outcome? It's impossible to follow an argument through to some sort of successful conclusion.

For many partners, it's a desire to allocate blame that serves as kindling. The premise goes something like this:

When we argue, I need to prove that you are more at fault than me (because then I'm absolving myself of all blame).

I do this by criticising you, blaming you, or generally pointing out how you have been defective in some way.

If necessary I will also criticise your basic character, that is, who you are (rather than just whatever I'm cranky with you about in the moment).

I need to expect you will respond with the same, and be prepared with more ammunition for when you criticise me back.

I may also need to drag out some past offence that you've done in order to keep proving points.

Let's take turns criticising and blaming each other! (Meanwhile, the basic issue or problem is no longer being addressed.)

OK this is too hard, I'm going to shut down now, get drunk, cry, leave the house. It's time to disengage.

I've worked with many couples stuck in repeated and unresolved marriage or relationship conflict, and most follow some version of this basic script. I often ask them to consider a number of questions about how they argue, and you may like to consider them too:

When I point out my partner's faults, am I implying that I'm faultless?

Is it possible that I'm also sometimes guilty of whatever it is that I blame my partner for doing, being, or saying?

What would happen if I were more willing to stay focussed on the issue rather than on my partner's faults?

What would change if I sometimes actually agreed with my partner when he or she points out my faults?

Is it possible for both of us to be at fault simultaneously?

If there's too much arguing in your relationship or marriage, it's questions like these that can open up new perspectives, insights, and possibilities. And often we have to look at ourselves in order to create a great relationship.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.