What the Research Says About Creating Great Relationships
Time for a relationship audit, and here's how it's done:
First, line up (in your mind, or better still, on paper) all the positive things you and your partner do for each other on an average day. Positive things include gestures, tasks and jobs, comments, compliments, conversations, physical affection, thankyous… anything that nourishes, acknowledges, and expresses love and affection. Marriage and relationship therapists call these "positive strokes".
Next, compile another list, but this time list all the negative things that pass between you and your partner on an average day: criticisms, defensive comments, hostile gestures, unloving actions, displays of disrespect or neglect… anything that doesn't contribute in a positive way to the health and enjoyment of your shared relationship. Fittingly, marriage and relationship therapists call these "negative strokes".
You'll now have two columns: the first itemising your shared "positive strokes", and the other, your shared "negative strokes". By now you'll also have a pretty good idea of which list is longer, or maybe you'll find that each has roughly the same number of entries. Common sense would tell us that the ratio of "positive" to "negative" strokes is a strong indicator of relationship satisfaction and success.
Marriage and relationship research conducted by Dr John Gottman and his team allows us to take this even further. In analysing couples interacting whilst discussing a conflict or issue, here is what they've found:
A ratio of 5:1 (that's 5 positive strokes to every 1 negative stroke) is the minimum requirement couples need to ensure a relationship that is stable and happy.
And couples who manage a ratio of 20:1 (that's 20 positive strokes to every 1 negative stroke) are rewarded with partnerships that are so resilient and rewarding that Gottman and his team call them the "master marriages".
Most couples headed for therapy have ratios lower than 5:1. Gottman's research confirms that a couple headed for divorce will have a ratio of 0.8:1. It's not uncommon for a couple in extreme relationship distress to struggle recalling even one positive stroke that has recently been shared between them, but to easily identify the many negative strokes that they share every single day.
Successful therapy often starts with taking deliberate steps to turn this ratio around.
It's not about empty compliments, gushing thanks and appreciation, or endless cups of tea or gifts. It's also not about keeping a ledger and expecting your partner to match you all the way.
It's about looking for moments to express and share love, and doing so unconditionally. Every day. Once couples get the hang of this, they're well on track for relationship success. With the right mix of chemistry, great communication, mutual respect and love, and a "positive to negative strokes" ratio that ideally hovers somewhere above 5:1 (and as close to 20:1 as you can manage), you're well placed to have a relationship that thrives.
Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been in private clinical practice helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive since 1993. Contact Pamela here.