5 Steps to a Healthy Relationship Culture

One of the most frequent comments that I hear from couples in distress is "We've just grown apart".

And one of the most frequent questions they want answered is of course "Where did that connection go, and how do we get it back?"

Think of your relationship as having its own unique culture. What are the unique routines, rituals and habits that define the way you both live and love?

We can't connect if we are living in a relationship culture that disconnects us.

Your relationship may be feeling a little shaky right now. Or it may be totally great… and you want to keep it that way.

Have a think about whether your unique relationship culture is working for you, or against.

These 5 steps to creating a healthy relationship culture will get you started:

Greet and farewell each other in loving ways.

When you're leaving for somewhere, make the effort to say "Goodbye", and whenever possible, say it face to face. Add a little kiss or a big hug. Say "I love you", or "Have a great day", or something that shows you care.

When you return, do the same thing, with a greeting that basically says "Our relationship is important to me, so I'm making the effort to reconnect with you properly".

Healthy "hello" and "goodbye" rituals take only a couple of minutes, but make a huge difference when it comes to keeping couples connected.

Share meals together.

When you're both home together, eat together. Serve up. Prepare your table or favourite place. Light a candle. Listen to music. Watch the stars. Or just watch TV. But do it together.

Be intimate together.

Touch each other, and not just when you want sex. Plant a peck on your partner's cheek. Embrace just for the fun of it. Rumble, tickle, laugh. Share stories and secrets. Cuddle, spoon, or just hold hands in bed. Make love.

Create digital free time together.

Turn. Off. Your. Phones!

It's ridiculous how many couples resent each other's use of digital devices, without realising that it's up to them to create solutions to protect their relationship from unwanted distractions.

Turn off your devices, even just for that hour when you first reconnect after being apart at work or whatever. Create digital free zones at home (the bedroom being a great place to start).

Repair and regroup after conflict.

Conflict is normal and inevitable in all relationships, but the way you both handle it is crucial to creating a healthy relationship culture.

Say sorry when an apology is deserved. Forgive when forgiveness is needed. Be ready, willing, and able to let go of resentment. Healthy relationship repair happens when both partners can apologise, forgive, and let go, and do so with generous words or gestures of love that affirm why your relationship matters.

You are both actively involved in creating your own unique relationship culture every day. I know you're busy, stressed, distracted, cranky at times, and maybe a little oblivious to what your relationship means to you and why it's precious.

If you want a relationship that stays happy, really happy, and that lasts, you need to be mindful of the relationship culture that you are both creating. These 5 steps are just a start.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland's Sunshine Coast. She has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive for over 30 years. Contact Pamela here.