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Helping people thrive.
What the Research Says About Creating Great Relationships
Time for a relationship audit, and here's how it's done:
First, line up (in your mind, or better still, on paper) all the positive things you and your partner do for each other on an average day. Positive things include gestures, tasks and jobs, comments, compliments, conversations, physical affection, thankyous… anything that nourishes, acknowledges, and expresses love and affection. Marriage and relationship therapists call these "positive strokes".
Speak Up to Create Relationships That Thrive
We all want to be liked. It feels awful when someone is displeased or angry with us, especially when it's our partner. But life is complex and differences will arise. We need to know how to speak up, and we need the confidence to do it even when we may earn the displeasure of our loved ones. Knowing how to speak up is crucial if we are to remain true to ourselves and to our relationships. It's also the only way to allow our relationships to grow and thrive: if we routinely protect them from differences (and the inevitable challenges that arise from them), then how can they grow resilient and strong?
Forget the Shouting… There Are Better Ways for Couples to Argue
I have a message for all couples, whether you're fans of Channel 9's reality show Married at First Sight, or not.
All couples need to understand that it's simply not true that arguments are always negative. It's how we do them that counts.
A disagreement, issue, or argument is a relationship BUILDING exercise, if conducted in a productive way. And I've seen time and time again how relationships get stronger when the people in them know how to discuss an issue, well.
It doesn't matter if you didn't watch the Married at First Sight episode, suffice to say it was a great demonstration of how easily a discussion can get into a negative spiral, but also how the issue that starts it all can so often be relatively trivial and benign.
Here's a few tips that the producers of the show may have been wise to pass on to our lovely Clare and Lachlan. As I said, the tips didn't come in episode 3… but I'll hold off until we see what they do with the remainder of the series. Meanwhile, for anyone wondering how to argue in a relationship building way, please start with these basic rules:
What Great Relationships and Carrying a Heavy Table Have in Common
Imagine you and your partner are helping each other move a heavy piece of furniture from one room to another. Imagine that it's really precious, a family heirloom perhaps. Neither of you want to see it bumped, dropped, or damaged.
Each of you take an end and start lifting. You navigate across the room, perhaps down some stairs or around a corner… and as you go, you automatically give each other feedback about what you need from the other in order to do the job well:
"Hang on! Back up a little… I need a bit more space around this corner."
"Slow down! Sorry, I'm losing my grip. Can we put it down for a second?"
"Yep, that's great, hold it up higher, like that."
Giving feedback like this makes sense, doesn't it?
It's logical that comments like this allow each of you to adjust what you're doing in order to help the other.
Unhappy in Your Relationship? It Might Not Be Your Partner's Fault.
Ever go through phases when life just isn't happening the way you want it to? Times when you're unhappy and discontented? If you're in a relationship it's easy during times like this to point the finger at your partner as the reason why you're just not right.
As a marriage therapist, couples work with me to fix all sorts of relationship problems, so I know more than anyone the many things partners can do together to create relationship happiness.
But what about the times when it's really our own "stuff" that's keeping us unhappy, rather than relationship "stuff" that we can work on and resolve together? We each need to be personally happy before we even stand a chance of creating a relationship that's happy.
Time Poor Couples Simply Must Get This Right
Keeping a relationship healthy over years and decades is hard, especially for couples who don't get much time to actually be together. It's a modern dilemma facing so many modern marriages, and relationships everywhere are buckling under the strain.
If this is you, you might find yourself pointing to your busy schedules to justify why your marriage or relationship isn't great. And to a certain degree, there's no doubt you're right:
Healthy relationships simply can't happen if the two people in them are too often apart.
Working FIFO? Five Strategies for Relationship Success
The FIFO lifestyle has its benefits, but when it comes to relationships, there's no doubt that the FIFO lifestyle brings with it a whole new degree of difficulty. As if keeping a relationship on track isn't difficult enough!
Pressing the "pause" button on a marriage or relationship every other week or two really stuffs up the momentum that other non FIFO couples take for granted. Add a child or two into the mix and things can get ridiculously challenging.
1 in 5 People Are Highly Sensitive: What Does This Mean For Your Relationship?
Are you somebody (or in a relationship with somebody), who thinks about things really deeply, feels emotions intensely, and who becomes easily overwhelmed by noises, smells, sights, crowds, new places, being rushed, being judged, getting tired, becoming hungry… simply overwhelmed by life itself at times?
Maybe I’m describing you? Or maybe it’s your partner, child, relative, friend, neighbour, colleague or boss that comes to mind.
Common Relationship Errors
I'm looking forward to working with a lot of couples this year. Some will be looking to make their already pretty good relationships even better.
But many will be looking to rescue their pretty bad relationships and turn relationship unhappiness and discontent around.
What can you do to build a successful relationship? And how can you avoid even getting to the place where seeing a marriage therapist starts sounding like a necessary idea?
Truly happy and successful relationships happen when partners stop making basic relationship errors, and start relating in healthy ways.
5 Steps to a Healthy Relationship Culture
One of the most frequent comments that I hear from couples in distress is "We've just grown apart".
And one of the most frequent questions they want answered is of course "Where did that connection go, and how do we get it back?"
Think of your relationship as having its own unique culture. What are the unique routines, rituals and habits that define the way you both live and love?
We can't connect if we are living in a relationship culture that disconnects us.
Your relationship may be feeling a little shaky right now. Or it may be totally great… and you want to keep it that way.
How To Know When to Speak Up About a Relationship Issue
Ask anyone what it takes to have a great marriage and chances are you'll hear "Good communication".
Indeed, "We don't communicate" is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples when they present for relationship therapy.
However when you stop to think about it, there's really no such thing as not communicating. You could be growling or yelling at each other, or avoiding and ignoring each other completely… either way, you're still communicating. You're just not doing it well.
Switch From Complaint to Request for a Happier Relationship
Ever been in a relationship with a complainer? Or perhaps you're prone to a bit of complaining and whinging yourself when your relationship isn't going right?
All of us have days when we feel inconvenienced, annoyed, or even outright furious about something our partner is (or is not) doing.
It makes sense that we should be able to communicate to our partner when we're not OK about something. Everyone knows that good communication is important for good relationships.
Why Shutting Up and Keeping Quiet Is a Really Bad Relationship Option: a Case Study
It was their first couples therapy session and already I was hearing the same story that I've heard from so many other couples over so many years.
"Melissa" was describing how her husband doesn't speak up enough. He doesn't offer opinions, or make decisions, she says. She feels like she's the only adult in the relationship and she wants a husband who is more like a partner than just another one of the kids.
Sick of Nagging?
Choose a behaviour that you can repeat numerous times every single day. Then repeat this for weeks, months, years and decades. Make sure it's a behaviour that brings out the worst in you, really annoys and exhausts you, never feels good, and leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, and angry towards the people you love.
Sick of Being Nagged?
Imagine a day when from the moment you got up, someone followed you around telling you that everything you're doing is wrong. Even when you make an effort to do something right, it goes unnoticed. And if you make one small mistake you're criticised for being hopeless and blamed for never trying hard enough.
"From the very first session I really liked your approach with us, because you were not biased and also you were so clear and direct.”
Craig, Maroochydore
“After completing Pamela's Couples Toolkit, everything has changed. We now know how to really listen, so we both feel confident discussing any issue (rather than avoid it as we would so often do before). We don't get stuck when things go off track - we now know how to repair quickly. No more cycles of fighting followed by silence - it's such a massive relief. Thanks so much Pamela.”
Ruby & Matt, Sunshine Coast
"Pamela is not only kind and compassionate, but a true professional with excellent skills that have brought me so many insights. I have the utmost respect for her honesty, integrity, and knowledge. She’s been a true blessing!”
Phoebe, Caloundra
